Was this SSRI all that I did? Was it my miracle cure? Heck, no! Though I would say that it did the lion’s share of the work. I also went to counselling. Did I want to go to counselling? Heck, no! Well, not initially. The idea of talking about seriously personal feelings and weaknesses with a complete stranger… not appealing. Did I do it? Heck, yes! Why? Because other people, smart people like doctors, said it would help me and I wanted to get better. I really, really wanted to get better. So, I accepted that other people knew more about this than me and I heeded their advice.

Finding a counsellor is interesting. It’s all about personality and knowledge. What’s a good match for one person might be a terrible match for another… and finding a good match is so important. I tried a couple of different counsellors before settling on one that I liked. She was also the cheapest, which I don’t mention because it was a factor in my decision of who to go with – it wasn’t. I mention this because I want to make the point that where counselling is concerned, more expensive does not necessarily mean better.

“…where counselling is concerned, more expensive does not necessarily mean better.”

Counselling sessions lasted an hour. The counsellor went through CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) strategies with me, helping me to identify distortions in my thinking that were either caused by, or contributing to, my depression. This includes things like only paying attention to evidence that supports the negative and ignoring evidence that supports the positive. Or, magnifying the negative to make small issues seems like major catastrophes in my mind. They also talked about learning to live with uncertainty, such as in the case of our health (we never really know exactly what is going on inside our own bodies). Mindfulness strategies and resources were introduced to me to help keep my mind in the present moment rather than thinking about the future or dwelling on the past. Issues were discussed from my past to see if any of these could be affecting me now. Sometimes our talk was useful and enlightening. Other times we explored areas that turned out to be less relevant.

“Sometimes our talk was useful and enlightening. Other times we explored areas that turned out to be less relevant.”

That’s the nature of counselling – not all sessions are created equally. Some will be more productive than others. I was given homework; things I should try to do before my next session to get me back to my regular daily life. Things like going on a date with my wife, taking a family hike in the countryside, or picking up groceries on my own.

Counselling helped. I don’t think it would have helped me before starting my medication, but it definitely helped speed-up and secure my recovery.

Coming Soon… Chapter 6: Part IV

It’s hard, I know. Whatever the reasons, it is difficult to admit that something is wrong with our mental/brain health. Embarrassment, weakness, depression itself… the possible reasons go on. Yet, accept it we must. For me, accepting that this had happened allowed me to move out of a period of denial. I was able to give up this battle with myself, this period of trying to hide my pain from everyone else, and move on to getting the problem fixed. Did I want to take medication? Did I want to have to put these feelings into words? Did I want to rip open my soul, expose every nerve and weakness I have, only to have them prodded and poked by the medical profession and those around me? No, I didn’t want to, but I would if that was going to help me. I reached a point where I was willing to do absolutely anything to get rid of the feeling that was rotting inside of me.

“I reached a point where I was willing to do absolutely anything to get rid of the feeling that was rotting inside of me.”

So I did. Prescribed by a doctor in the Emergency ward, I started taking an SSRI pill (I think that stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor… but don’t quote me on that). These pills increase the levels of serotonin in your brain and can lead to improved activity in the happy parts of your grey matter. The effect is usually slow and subtle. Typically, you begin on a low dose which can be increased after a couple of weeks. The increase continues until eventually you arrive at a ‘treatment’ dose – the dose that seems to be having the desired effect of improving your overall mood. You will likely stay on this dose for at least a year. At which point, it might be tapered back. You may eventually taper right off the treatment or you may take a low amount daily for the rest of your (hopefully) depression-free life. Just like there are many shades of depression, there are many different SSRIs and what works for one person might not work for another. In my case I took Prozac and it took about six weeks until I noticed even a slight improvement. It took another 6 weeks until I would say I was approaching anything resembling my ‘normal’ self. This may not seem like a long time, but when you are depressed, every day can feel like a torturous eternity. If a depressed person switches from passive to active thoughts, then any day can be their last.  Remember, depression is a potentially fatal illness and every day, hour, minute, and second matters more than you imagine.

“… depression is a potentially fatal illness and every day, hour, minute, and second matters more than you imagine.”

There are many drugs other than SSRIs that can be used to treat depression, depending on what the cause may be. However, I can only speak for myself and say that the SSRI helped me so I never got as far as exploring other options.

Coming Soon… Chapter 6: Part III

PART I:

ACCEPTING WHAT IS WRONG AND THEN ACCEPTING ALL THE HELP AND ADVICE THAT YOU CAN GET

Remember the things your mind tells you when you are depressed? Remember item number six? It states that “you should deal with this on your own”. I don’t really know why this feeling is there. Is it because we don’t want to have to admit to other people that something like this is wrong with us? Is it the stigma? Are we embarrassed? It is because we don’t want to have to admit to ourselves that something like this is wrong? Does seeking help for this issue mean admitting defeat? Does it mean finally holding up your hands and saying “yes, something is wrong with my mental health”? Is this something we should be ashamed of? Is it, in fact, the result of chemical imbalances in our brain creating this feeling of being alone? The reason eludes me, but the fact remains that it is difficult to admit that all is not well in this domain.

Perhaps there are still some issues with the language we use around mental health. The word ‘mental’ itself is used quite colloquially with a somewhat negative connotation. For instance, the phrase, “he went mental” might be used to describe the actions of a serial killer who goes on a rampage. An extreme sports enthusiast might watch a downhill mountain biker perform a backflip over an immense drop and say something along the lines of, “that was freakin’ mental!” While meant as compliment, the latter still suggests a sense of being challenged in the sanity department.

“Maybe if we referred to our ‘brain health’ people might find it easier to accept .”

Maybe it is time to drop the word ‘mental’. Maybe if we referred to our ‘brain health’ people might find it easier to accept (both in themselves and in others). Somehow, ‘brain health’ seems more accurate, more biological. It seems more indicative of what is actually wrong – chemicals in our brain are aren’t quite at the right levels and are affecting our thoughts and behaviour. Our brain health is affecting our emotional health. Correcting these levels in the brain is going to help make us better. Oh, and as with many health issues, some sort of counselling is also going to be beneficial in facilitating our recovery. After all, many cancer patients undergo counselling/therapy as a part of the complex jigsaw that makes up their treatment. Surely nobody would suggest that they didn’t make use of this support?

Coming Soon… Chapter 6: Part II

I don’t intend this list to be considered ‘rules’. Depression has many causes and comes in many shades of grey (she totally ruined that phrase for me). People experience depression in their own way and what works for one person may not work for the next. This list represents things that were a bad idea for me to do during my last depression. I did each of them at least once and so learned my lessons the hard way. 

If you are experiencing depression now and your experience is anything like mine, then I suggest trying not to:

(Pause… Alternatively, if this is the future me reading this, and your depression has come back… then make darn sure that you don’t do any of these things!)

1. Research your symptoms on the Internet (did I mention this yet?) Your judgment is currently flawed. Discouraging information will have a more powerful impact on your mood than any encouraging information.
2. Stay in bed for too long in the morning. During this time your mind is a magnet for negative thoughts. Wake up and get up. Go about your day as soon as possible so as not to spend too much time inside your own head.
3. Spend too much time alone. This is for the same reason that staying in bed too long is a bad idea. Being around people can be exhausting as you constantly ‘fake’ feeling fine, so there is a balance to strike here. However, if you’re going to move from ‘passive’ to ‘active’ thoughts, then it’s much better to have someone around.
4. Watch emotional moments on T.V. While depressed I would cry during scenes that would normally leave me unaffected. Stick to comedies.
5. Stop eating. You might lose your appetite, but keep fueling yourself. Those shakes that are a meal in a bottle… the one’s people use to replace a meal when they are dieting. Force one of those down if you can’t face eating a meal. You need nutrients.Without the necessary nutrients, you will be unable to manufacture all those ‘feel good’ chemicals that your brain needs.
6. Regret the past (easier said than done)
7. Worry about the future (also, easier said than done)
8. Stop working completely. Work can be exhausting, but it does give us a sense of self-purpose (some jobs more so than others). Consider dropping from full-time to part-time. Half-days can get you up and going in the morning (see point 2), but give you time to rest in the afternoon. Also, when the time comes it will be easier to transition back to work from half-time to full-time, rather than not working at all to full-time.
9. Stare off into space. My friends and family just called this ‘the stare’. It was a look that would come over my face when I was thinking about terrible things. It was not the stare itself that was the problem, this was merely a sign of the carnage that was going on inside. Knowing that I did it, sometimes helped me and others to spot when it was happening and move to something more useful to do.
10. Try to solve this whole situation on your own. I don’t know why, but you will likely feel like you have to do this on your own, but please, please, please accept all the help you can find (see the next chapter!)

Coming soon: Chapter 6: The Good, The Bad, and The Psychotherapy…

Search for “depression” online and it can be reassuring to find so many other people with similar tales. It helps you to realize that you are not alone. You become aware of how common an issue it is and of how successfully it can be treated. But… there are also stories of people with depression who discovered that it was only the tip of the iceberg. It was an early sign of Parkinson’s Disease or a brain tumor. Or it was never cured and resulted in the “unmentionable” … suicide (yep… said it!). The depressed person’s brain often magnifies the negative and ignores the positive. I found that the undesirable stories stuck like glue in my mind, while the positive stories just drifted away down stream. The question is, how to access reassuring, factual information without dragging yourself further down as you fixate on the negative? Not that all of the negative should be ignored at the risk of not getting an accurate picture. My initial advice here is trust the professionals. Leave it to the doctors to analyze your symptoms. However, if you find this hard to do, then don’t worry, for I have a solution… the ‘Interweb Buddy’.

“During my depression, I had a friend who went above and beyond to help me get through.”

During my depression, I had a friend who went above and beyond to help me get through. She kept me company when I couldn’t get myself out of the house and my wife couldn’t be there. She made so many cups of chamomile tea for me (it’s calming, O.K.!) that she nearly wore out our kettle. She answered despondent texts in the middle of the night and constantly checked on me to make sure that I hadn’t switched from ‘passive’ to ‘active’. How does this relate to our Internet issue? The answer is that she became my human internet filter. I would give her a list of my symptoms. She would then look them up, use her somewhat balanced, rational mind to filter through all the information and give me an equally rational overview of all that I might need to know. It was perfect. I trusted her analysis of the information and she became adept at knowing how much or how little material to share with me in order to preserve my peace of mind and yet ensure that I was well-informed.

“It can pull your mood down quicker than a knee to the groin.”

So, my friends, step away from the laptop, put down your tablet, and pocket your phone. In fact, refrain from all digital surfing for the time being and hand that duty to your ‘Interweb Buddy’ – the friend or family member whose judgment you still trust.

Trust me, depression makes you fragile. Negative information can pack a hefty punch. It can pull your mood down quicker than a knee to the groin. Keep away from it. This is not the time.

#Searchenginejunky

#Notsuchagreatidea

Let me start by saying that I love modern search engines. You type in a word or two and they search millions of websites to find everything that might be relevant. They work like magic. The internet is this huge unfathomable jumble of information and yet search engines help me find exactly what I need in under a second. Require a picture of a rare sea crustacean? You’ve got thousands to choose from. Need to know who won the world cup in 1958? Brazil! Done! Got a rash you’re unsure off? Images galore (never happened to me – honest!) Thinking of replacing the tap on your bathtub? The how-to steps are right there, with pictures, and even video if you need it. It’s amazing. It makes me feel way smarter than I actually am. My general knowledge of this world is appalling, but thanks to modern search engines I can find the answer to pretty much any question in a split second. As long as the internet is in front of me, I’m a modern day Albert Einstein… aren’t we all?

“During my health anxiety phase, I would research my symptoms on the Internet. It was a bad idea.”

Nevertheless, when you have depression or anxiety, my advice is to keep away from searching the wonderful worldwide web. During my health anxiety phase, I would research my symptoms on the Internet. It was a bad idea. You see, the problem, when you do this, is that even a slight twinge in your abdomen can be linked to all manner of hellish maladies when looking online. While the odds are in favour of the twinge being nothing to worry about, you can be sure that someone has blogged about a friend who ignored such a twinge and then died a slow and painful death shortly after. These are the stories that I would relate to. I would ignore all the information that suggested that my symptoms were nothing of concern and get hung up on the stories that hinted at my impending grizzly death.

Check out my suggested solution for this problem in Chapter 5: Part II…

A.K.A. THINGS I MIGHT HAVE SAID TO SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION (BEFORE I’D EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF)

Many of these comments were said to me during my depression. Many of them, I actually told myself. They were not helpful in any way, shape, or form. They were also not true, and revealed just how poorly I understood mental illness. My poor understanding stemmed from never having been taught about it. As a child or an adult, I had never heard people talk of it. I had never been part of a discussion where people had described their experiences. I did not know how common it was, what to expect, what symptoms to look out for, or what treatment might involve. I felt the same shame that had caused others to hide their experiences. The same shame that ultimately lead to my own poor understanding of depression and other mental illnesses.

I told myself…

1. That I should snap out of this.
2. That I had no reason to feel sad – there was so much good stuff in my life.
3. I should try to distract myself.
4. That this was the result of my own weakness.
5. This was sooooooooo embarrassing.
6. I didn’t need medicine; I just needed to stop thinking so negatively.
7. I really should snap out of this.
8. Try to think positively.
9. Everyone gets sad sometimes, but not everyone lets it get to them.
10. No one ever died from feeling sad.
11. For goodness sake, snap out of this.